What I did not intend to be

A•men•a•ble - open and responsive to suggestion - easily persuaded or controlled -

compliant, acquiescent, biddable, manageable, controllable, governable, persuadable, tractable, responsive, pliant, flexible, malleable, complaisant, accommodating, docile, submissive, obedient, tame

All of the above describes every corner of my soul, and it haunts me, it kills me how amenable I am or have become to no independance have I been allowed
or taken control of my life, becoming so dependant on other people to do everything for
me. The inconeient combination of having intimacy issues but being too afraid to be alone.
What has happened to my strength, independence, straight up attitude that allowed me to
say and to and be exactly who I am. How did it come to this, How did I get so lost trying
to please and look after everyone else whilst in this very experience I have infact lost myself, I no longer the girl I was when I was 15, pure and unsure of how I really was to become, no future and no direction, still in the mind frame of a child and wasnt sure how to handle life and now here I am wastong away my life day after week after month after year and still I am no where.



Little confidence do I have left in me, and where did it go, where did I go, where am I now
not physically but mentally and emotionally, No motivation to do better or to get anywhere
and so unappealing have i become, interests, desires and dreams out the window, gone. What am i thinking? What am i feeling? What have I done to me? What will I do? Too
many questions and not enogh answers to answer, I, me, Myself the only one who can answer them and yet I still cant quite put my finger on it. Too many things in my past have
caused me oain and stress and anxiety which often still runs strong in my veins and through my bloodstream.

Open to unquestionable loyalty to someones wishes, Responsive to suggestion, submissive
to someone who plays dominant, Obediant to people who have and dont have the label Mother/Father/Grandparent, More like a wallflower I see and hear things and keep it to
myelf in order for no one else to be hurt, not always a loner but highly introvertive.