Lilo ame Stitch - Lost and Pulled back together

When I was little I wasn't allowed to make wishes on my birthday, we weren't allowed to have birthdays or hope for better things, so I used to just have hopes, hopes from when I was able to think about what I really wanted, I'd hoped I could someday look at the man who created me and called him dad and 18 years later I still don't know what his face looks like or what his voice sounds like but I've gotten to hear all the stories and memories everyone else got to make, when I was 2 I wished my baby sister would grow up to be a beautiful woman, when I was 8 I'd hope my brother grew into a beautiful gentlemen, when I was 10 I wanted the yelling and fighting to stop between my half siblings father and my mother, when I was 12 I wanted to be thinner and prettier, when I was 14 I wanted people to like me, when I was 16 I wanted my mothers new partner to stop hitting her and stop abusing my siblings and I, I wanted to give a boy my virtue and have hopes he'd want me but he didn't accept that and I'd wishes he'd never left or found someone better, when I was 17 I wanted to hope I wasn't such an emotional wreck and a hopeless failure, at 18 I am now broken and disheartened and haven't a clue who I am or might turn out to be, I am empty and I cannot figure out what is wrong with me, now at 18 all I hope is that one day I can put a face and voice to the man who claims to be my biological father, I want all my friends from when I was 16 to remain the same, I have hopes every person I met turns out to be a wonderful human being with a fulfilled life and all their wishes from all their birthdays come true, and I couldn't picture my life any different and now I never pictured my life to turn out how it has, I never planned for my life to be this way, I have been proud for almost everything I had hoped for, and had hope that it all became absolutely true

What I did not intend to be

A•men•a•ble - open and responsive to suggestion - easily persuaded or controlled -

compliant, acquiescent, biddable, manageable, controllable, governable, persuadable, tractable, responsive, pliant, flexible, malleable, complaisant, accommodating, docile, submissive, obedient, tame

All of the above describes every corner of my soul, and it haunts me, it kills me how amenable I am or have become to no independance have I been allowed
or taken control of my life, becoming so dependant on other people to do everything for
me. The inconeient combination of having intimacy issues but being too afraid to be alone.
What has happened to my strength, independence, straight up attitude that allowed me to
say and to and be exactly who I am. How did it come to this, How did I get so lost trying
to please and look after everyone else whilst in this very experience I have infact lost myself, I no longer the girl I was when I was 15, pure and unsure of how I really was to become, no future and no direction, still in the mind frame of a child and wasnt sure how to handle life and now here I am wastong away my life day after week after month after year and still I am no where.



Little confidence do I have left in me, and where did it go, where did I go, where am I now
not physically but mentally and emotionally, No motivation to do better or to get anywhere
and so unappealing have i become, interests, desires and dreams out the window, gone. What am i thinking? What am i feeling? What have I done to me? What will I do? Too
many questions and not enogh answers to answer, I, me, Myself the only one who can answer them and yet I still cant quite put my finger on it. Too many things in my past have
caused me oain and stress and anxiety which often still runs strong in my veins and through my bloodstream.

Open to unquestionable loyalty to someones wishes, Responsive to suggestion, submissive
to someone who plays dominant, Obediant to people who have and dont have the label Mother/Father/Grandparent, More like a wallflower I see and hear things and keep it to
myelf in order for no one else to be hurt, not always a loner but highly introvertive.