Lilo ame Stitch - Lost and Pulled back together

When I was little I wasn't allowed to make wishes on my birthday, we weren't allowed to have birthdays or hope for better things, so I used to just have hopes, hopes from when I was able to think about what I really wanted, I'd hoped I could someday look at the man who created me and called him dad and 18 years later I still don't know what his face looks like or what his voice sounds like but I've gotten to hear all the stories and memories everyone else got to make, when I was 2 I wished my baby sister would grow up to be a beautiful woman, when I was 8 I'd hope my brother grew into a beautiful gentlemen, when I was 10 I wanted the yelling and fighting to stop between my half siblings father and my mother, when I was 12 I wanted to be thinner and prettier, when I was 14 I wanted people to like me, when I was 16 I wanted my mothers new partner to stop hitting her and stop abusing my siblings and I, I wanted to give a boy my virtue and have hopes he'd want me but he didn't accept that and I'd wishes he'd never left or found someone better, when I was 17 I wanted to hope I wasn't such an emotional wreck and a hopeless failure, at 18 I am now broken and disheartened and haven't a clue who I am or might turn out to be, I am empty and I cannot figure out what is wrong with me, now at 18 all I hope is that one day I can put a face and voice to the man who claims to be my biological father, I want all my friends from when I was 16 to remain the same, I have hopes every person I met turns out to be a wonderful human being with a fulfilled life and all their wishes from all their birthdays come true, and I couldn't picture my life any different and now I never pictured my life to turn out how it has, I never planned for my life to be this way, I have been proud for almost everything I had hoped for, and had hope that it all became absolutely true

What I did not intend to be

A•men•a•ble - open and responsive to suggestion - easily persuaded or controlled -

compliant, acquiescent, biddable, manageable, controllable, governable, persuadable, tractable, responsive, pliant, flexible, malleable, complaisant, accommodating, docile, submissive, obedient, tame

All of the above describes every corner of my soul, and it haunts me, it kills me how amenable I am or have become to no independance have I been allowed
or taken control of my life, becoming so dependant on other people to do everything for
me. The inconeient combination of having intimacy issues but being too afraid to be alone.
What has happened to my strength, independence, straight up attitude that allowed me to
say and to and be exactly who I am. How did it come to this, How did I get so lost trying
to please and look after everyone else whilst in this very experience I have infact lost myself, I no longer the girl I was when I was 15, pure and unsure of how I really was to become, no future and no direction, still in the mind frame of a child and wasnt sure how to handle life and now here I am wastong away my life day after week after month after year and still I am no where.



Little confidence do I have left in me, and where did it go, where did I go, where am I now
not physically but mentally and emotionally, No motivation to do better or to get anywhere
and so unappealing have i become, interests, desires and dreams out the window, gone. What am i thinking? What am i feeling? What have I done to me? What will I do? Too
many questions and not enogh answers to answer, I, me, Myself the only one who can answer them and yet I still cant quite put my finger on it. Too many things in my past have
caused me oain and stress and anxiety which often still runs strong in my veins and through my bloodstream.

Open to unquestionable loyalty to someones wishes, Responsive to suggestion, submissive
to someone who plays dominant, Obediant to people who have and dont have the label Mother/Father/Grandparent, More like a wallflower I see and hear things and keep it to
myelf in order for no one else to be hurt, not always a loner but highly introvertive.

My Incredibly Busy Week, Tackling Absolutely Everything

So today was the first day of my exam block week for year 11, and might I say one of the most stressful days so far, holy. first up from 11:45 to 1:45 I had my English block and that was primarily focused on the play black rock and write about either relationships with one another in the play or finding your identity throughout. It's really hard to try and figure out what it'd be like to be someone else.

 It's really quite funny how you can be sitting there in the exam and just watch the clock go from 12:59 look away and it feels like 5 minutes turn back and it slowly teases you by changing to 1:00. Today was so stressful because not only am I incredibly lazy, and I hadn't done any study, I certainly won't make any excuses for not having my school study done no matter the consequences, if I can go to work at 4 in the afternoon I think I'll manage doing some sort of study before I go to bed at 11 at night - right? nope. If you have ever lost someone you've been close with and your trying to continue your everyday life acting like it never happened, I'm sorry but you will be kidding yourself, even if you use the whole 'but, they would have wanted me to be happy' your extremely wrong. It's okay to cry, it's more than okay to cry yourself to sleep. even though I may not have been to school in a week because my mind was far too busy thinking about other things, such as a very good man I knew who was in fact walking this earth about a week ago.

His name was Adam, or as he preferred Ady. Now Ady from what I can recall was a good man, you could trust him a lot and know he'd always be there for you no matter what situation your in, He would not of cared about the worst thing you've ever done, he's a peace maker and only ever saw the good in people, or from what I remember. There were only fewer times that I had actually gotten to spend time with him, He was my sisters soon to be husband, but they'd decided that it's not what they both wanted, yet they still stayed the very best of friends. It's been a week since he died and literally many of the thoughts I that have occurred in my mind are mostly memories of him. They tend to come back in little flashback and than I develop smaller tears in my eyes because I know I don't want to actually cry because that hurts too much.

This is a letter I wrote to him because I felt that, maybe if I write to him, He'll give me a sign to let me know he's still around - It's funny because tonight I thought about you, not just you in general or as a person but the memories of you, my sister, us. I remember the first time I met you, you welcomed me with open arms and open arms, the moment I met you, you considered me your family. It's kinda funny really because I remember lots of small things, like you telling me English jokes or trying to explain to me the town you lived in, in London. And you let me take photos on your really expensive camera, or we'd tease each other because were both on our L plates yet there's probably around 10 years between us or you'd inbox me just before you were going to propose to my sister and you told me exactly what your plan was and I was so happy for the both of you and we'd talk about absolutely nothing but that's okay because those are the memories I'll always have, little bits of happy nothingness, and that's what makes me happy knowing your spirit will always be here to help me, my sister, Noah and Sam and all your family and friends, you'll be watching over us like the angel you are. I'm so proud I got to know you as a person and that I got to have the lovely memories you left behind for me. So promise me you'll party hard until we meet you again and I promise I'll legally be able to party with you like we always planned. you'll forever be apart of me ady, love you xxx

I guess when a person gets to a stage in their life where they just drop everything and say they can't physically, mentally and emotionally do it anymore, you really have to listen, because its the quiet ones you never pick up, he was like a ghost with a thousand hidden emotions and all I wanted to know was every single thing he felt when he said that this was it, I know there's nothing I could have said or done to change his mind but I at least would have loved to try, or for the last thing for him to hear was I love you and I know your tough enough to beat this. Sometimes these things in life just happen and unfortunately we cant go back in time to prevent them, we have to sit in the seat that's called life and ride past every bump and curve along the way.

So today I prayed to him hoping that he might be able to supply some kind of luck to my block exams and help me get through it. At this point in time its really tough, because it's a hard thought to pass, knowing that someone you love, isn't coming back ever again, I keep thinking that maybe when I finally get the time to visit my older sister Ady will be there and tell me one of his stupid English jokes or tell me all about everything I've missed out on about their life. but I won't get to and I'm slowly learning that, that's okay because his spirits here with me always. I'd say what he did but for the respect of his soul I'm going to keep that between he and I and I'm sure He'll be very appreciative that I took that into consideration. I realize this post is dedicated pretty much all to Ady but I figured this was on my mind and for me to help myself, I needed to write this and tell people about the wonderful man I was lucky enough to of have met.  thank you for taking the time to read this too I know it might not be appealing to any of you, but this is just me speaking my mind at almost midnight.

Good night all xxx